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First of all, there is the death of GD, the human distillation of a vanishing epoch, an icon, and the ultimate French representative of a form of written sexual insurrection; almost simultaneously, there is the tropism of BP’s body in the direction of VD’s body, an opportunity for perfection — and for ruin. 15 16 Your Death That same day, a few hours later, I put a fifty-milligram dose of Testogel on my skin, so that I can begin to write this book. I’m not taking testosterone to change myself into a man or as a physical strategy of transsexualism; I take it to foil what society wanted to make of me, so that I can write, fuck, feel a form of pleasure that is postpornographic, add a molecular prostheses to my low-tech transgender identity composed of dildos, texts, and moving images; I do it to avenge your death. I was labeled a woman, but that’s imperceptible in the par- tial image reflected in the mirror. I look into the camera, curl back my lip to show my teeth, the way you do it. The silver package containing a fifty-milligram dose of testosterone in gel form is the same size as a small packet of sugar. When all the skin on my crotch has been shaved, I rinse off and dry. It’s a home protocol; it would Your Death 21 even be a secret and private one if each of these adminis- trations weren’t being filmed and sent anonymously to an Internet page on which hundreds of transgender, mutating bodies all over the planet are exchanging techniques and know-how. This book is a testosterone- based, voluntary intoxication protocol, which concerns the body and affects of BP. During the time period covered by this essay, two external transfor- mations follow on each other in the context of the experi- mental body, the impact of which couldn’t be calculated beforehand and cannot be taken into account as a function of the study; but it created the limits around which writing was incorporated. The strongest is his voice, I think, 1 you were saying. Guillaume Dustan, Nicolas Pages (Paris: Editions Balland, 1999), 17. Michel Houellebecq, Rester vivant et autres textes (Paris: Librio, 1997), 19. The carbon chains, 0-H3, C-H3, C-OH, gradually penetrate my epidermis and travel through the deep layers of my skin until they reach the blood vessels, nerve endings, glands. As if for surgery, I expose only those organs on which the instruments will be working. I adjust the blades of the comb to a width of one centimeter. I sit on the couch, and one half of my face — looking expressionless, centerless — appears in the mirror: my short black hair; contact lenses, whose edges create a thin halo around the iris; patchy skin; very white in places and flecked with bright pink in others. Looking into the camera again: “This testos- terone is for you, this pleasure is for you.” I don’t watch the mini-DV I just filmed. I put it into its transparent red case and write on the label: October 3, 2005. The preceding and following days are marked by my ritual of testosterone administration.Rate other members and even judge their movies and images! Join our community here at Meendo and discover what surprises we have in store for you!

So entstanden im Laufe der Zeit zahlreiche Ratgeber, Anleitungen und Produktratgeber, u.a. For William For Virginie, Pepa, and Swann Contents INTRODUCTION 1 YOUR DEATH 2 THE PHARMACOPORNOGRAPHIC ERA 3 TESTOGEL 4 HISTORY OF TECHNOSEXUALITY 5 IN WHICH THE BODY OF VD BECOMES AN ELEMENT IN AN EXPERIMENTAL CONTEXT 6 TECHNOGENDER 7 BECOMING T 8 PHARMACOPOWER 9 TESTO-MANIA 10 PORNPOWER 11 JIMI AND ME 12 THE MICROPOLITICS OF GENDER IN THE PHARMACOPORNOGRAPHIC ERA: EXPERIMENTATION, VOLUNTARY INTOXICATION, MUTATION 13 ETERNAL LIFE ABOUT THE AUTHOR INTRODUCTION T his book is not a memoir. If things must be pushed to the extreme, this is a somato- political fiction, a theory of the self, or self-theory. Your mind unfurls and forms an electro- magnetic layer from which our words flow. As we talk about your death, her voice awakens the life in me. Because you didn’t want to keep living and because, as your godfather would say, “a dead poet writes no more.” 2 1. A sharp, high-pitched sound, the voice of a cyberchild trying to get out of the motor, spitting in the face of the past. This book has no other reason for being outside the mar- gin of uncertainty existing between me and my sex organs, all imaginary, between three languages that don’t belong to me, between the alive you and the dead you, between my desire to carry on your line and the impossibility of restor- ing your sperm, between your eternal and silent books and the flood of words that are in a hurry to come out of my fingers, between testosterone and my body, between V and my love for V. P7413 2013 306.76'8 — dc23 2013017587 For our dead ones: A., T., E., J., K., S., T.Published in French as Testo Junkie by Editions Grasset & Fasquelle in Paris in 2008. I’m not interested in their individual aspects, only in how they are traversed by what isn’t mine. However, in your last books, you didn’t treat him with generosity. You rotted for two days in the same position in which you had fallen. I open the plas- tic bag and slide the hair into it. I place a sheet of white paper on the table, then turn the clippers back on and move them again over my entire head. I shake the can of shaving cream, deposit a ball of expanding white lather on my palm, then cover the hairs of my pubes, the lips of my vulva and the skin surround- ing my anus with it. The dildo belt is high enough to allow me to see two very distinct orifices when I bend down. Amelia, Herve, Michel, Karen, Jackie, Teo, and You. The feeling changes into one of coldness before it disappears. Absolutely all the unpleasant sensations disappear. Unlike speed, the movement going on inside has nothing to do with agitation, noise.This English-language edition is translated from the French. No part of this book may be reproduced, used, or stored in any information retrieval sys- tem or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the Feminist Press at the City University of New York, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. In what emanates ll 12 Introduction from our planet’s history, the evolution of living species, the flux of economics, remnants of technological innova- tions, preparation for wars, the trafficking of organic slaves and commodities, the creation of hierarchies, institutions of punishment and repression, networks of communica- tion and surveillance, the random overlapping of market research groups, techniques and blocs of opinion, the bio- chemical transformation of feeling, the production and distribution of pornographic images. He says, “It’s William.” He’s crying, repeats, “It’s William, it’s William. Short, very thin hairs rain onto 18 Your Death the white paper. I open the jar of glue and add a streak of it above my upper lip with the moistened brush, then take a strand of hair between my fingers and set it along the streak of glue until it sticks perfectly to the skin of my face. Your Death 19 I coat my hands with transparent gel and pick up the two dildos. In My Room, the first novel of French gay writer Guillaume Dustan. Do I belong more to your world than I do to the world of the living? Reincarnate yourselves in me, take over my body like extraterrestrials took over Americans and changed them into living sheaths. It’s simply the feeling of being in per- fect harmony with the rhythm of the city.




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